watched this movie alone today at home.
i’m sure many have already watched/read this story. i’m late i know, but better late than never.
it’s about a couple who are very much in love but the husband passed away due to an illness. the wife then sinks into helplessness. one day, the wife receives something from the deceased husband and continues to receive letters after that. she thrives on those letters and looks to those messages for guidance. but she didn’t seem to be recovering from the pain, instead she lives in his ’shadow’. the story continues to illustrate how she eventually picks herself up.
it’s a great show.
i’m sure all of us will grieve if a loved one passes on. be it parents, close relative or friends. let alone the love of your life, isn’t it? well, maybe not all of you agree with me, but personally, my love is important to me. in a strange way, perhaps losing my love will be more painful than losing my parents. i hope this doesn’t sound unfilial – not that parents are not important to me, not that they hold a lower priority than my love, but logically we all know that parents will leave us one day, and biologically speaking, they usually leave earlier than our love, simply because they are much older. ok, never mind, i dunno how to put my point across.
in the movie, the wife had time to prepare herself for the loss, because the husband was taken away by an illness. i think the pain is more intense if a loved one is taken away due to sudden accident. totally unprepared. it just hits you like that.
a couple of months ago, 2 young men from the army died within a few days of each other. when i first heard the news, i was sad for their families. but to be frank, i didn’t knew them, so the sadness went away pretty quickly. shortly after, one of the forums which i frequently go to posted a blog link. it’s the blog of one of the men’s girlfriend. i read it, word for word, and i almost cried. in the office.
she was waiting for him to return from his brunei training. only to learnt that he has passed away. on the last day of the training. they were young, and loving. but their love story had to come to an unexpected end. she mourns for him everyday. friends of hers encouraged her to pick herself up. i wasn’t sure whether that’s the best for her. i think she should be allowed to grieve. as long as she wants to. only she herself can put a closure to it.
everytime i read her blog, i am fearful that dearest will leave me one day. i am fearful for his health, his safety. i am also fearful that he will lose his love for me one day. i am afraid to spend my life without him by my side.
after i watched the movie, i thought to myself, are my fears of losing dearest because i am dependent on him, or because i love him? i thought about my previous relationship, and i know the answer. i cannot live without dearest because he matters to me. because i love him.
how do i know that? when i was in my previous relationship, i had once thought about breaking up. it was a struggle to make that decision. but no, not because i love him. but because i thought i will not function without him. my friends can vouch for me because we had a long discussion way past midnight and i told them all my fears while they tried to ‘encourage’ me to break up. i was afraid no one else will want me. i was afraid i will be lonely. i was afraid i will never find another boyfriend. i didn’t say that i was afraid to be without him or i was afraid that i will miss him. that, i tell you, is NOT love. we did not breakup then but only a couple of years later through his initiation. i was sad but i did not beg him to stay. i wasn’t worried that i would miss him. that, is NOT love.
with dearest, it is so different. in our early months together, we were already facing external pressures. i was afraid to lose him. because i know i couldn’t give up someone whom taught me what is true love. i remember having panic attacks (which i have never encountered before in my life) whenever we embrace each other and thoughts of having to end the relationship pass through my mind. i remember reluctantly suggesting to dearest that he might want to call it quits if it gets too difficult for him (but knowing deep in my heart that a major part of me will die if he did). i remember walking along the corridor of my office and smiling to myself because i recall his innocent lips on mine.
now, we seem to be able to see a future. or so dear says. but we can never be sure isn’t it? it still seems so far away to me. if anyone asks me what is my ultimate dream in life, i will not hesitate and say it is to spend the rest of my life with dearest, to be able to hold hands and take a stroll at night when our hair has turned grey (if we still have hair, that is). dearest should know very well, that i am willing to give up anything for him. at one point in time, i was ready to give up my job here to move with him to australia. a few months ago, when he couldn’t cope with work, i was willing to give up my job to work for his parents even though i know they dislike me. there will be more, if he ever needs, i will be there.
and all i ever need from him is his eternal love for me, to be by my side till old age and death.
if one day dearest leaves me, my world will collapse. without a doubt.
do you know that when we quarrel, i get very lost? when he doesn’t call after a quarrel, i’m a total wreck. i’ll start off by hiding in bed and crying. crying and sleeping. crying and sleeping. then i will go out for a walk alone at night. once, i stood outside a train station. it was raining heavily and i couldn’t walk back home. so i just stood there. for a long long time. looking at loving husbands and boyfriends coming to pick up their partners. one by one they drive off. and i search the road for a yellow honda jazz, hoping that he will miraculously appear and save me from the rain.
that was just one night. and i was so lost. i cannot imagine a whole lifetime without him.
i hope dearest never leaves. but if he does, i know i will never fall in love again. ever. maybe i will marry, just to fill the void in my life. but love? nah…
i love you dearest. i dun have the reasons why. i just do.
P.S. I Love You.
