善男信女

have not been putting up the songs that i like recently. there are a few on my mind but i didn’t get around to it. but this one, i must.

善男信女 is from Jam Hsiao’s latest album. this song itself is still not played on local radio at this point in time. in any case, i have the entire album and when dearest and i heard this song, both of us were attracted to it. it’s not exactly a very catchy song, and not the typical karaok-ey love ballad. but there was a particular tune which made both of us go: “aw… damn emo…”

so i searched for it online today, and to my surprise, realised that this song is the 第二波主打

when i first heard the song twice (couldn’t quite catch all the lyrics), i could tell that it was a song relating to death and i kinda thought it was about the death of parents.

but no.
in the MV, Jam plays the role of a death god. the MV starts with the female lead trying to kill herself by walking into busy traffic. she didn’t die because Jam was there to protect her.
then the story rewinds – the boyfriend’s parents disapproves of the girlfriend and both boyfriend and girlfriend are very sad. the boyfriend then killed himself and the girlfriend was devastated.
then the story flashes back to the present where she tried to kill herself again so that she can join the boyfriend, but once again Jam saved her and handed her a necklace from the boyfriend.

善男信女
曲：李偉菘　詞：陳鎮川

不遠處有一片土　站了一棵枯的樹　
仔細看那樹枝的弧度　像在哭　
枯樹前雜踏腳步　收集安心的孤獨　
為什麼眼前荒蕪　是天下有情人的歸宿　
那片山谷　入口處清楚刻著傷心人的墓　
那片濃霧　隔絕了其實可以忘了愛的醒悟　
別哭　那片樂土是不是至少能讓眼淚都停住　
祝福什麼都不再記住　祝福下一次總會幸福　
祝福愛情的信徒　那善男信女別太辛苦　

枯樹前雜踏腳步　刻著心碎的控訴　
讀完別人的感觸　卻又義無反顧的投入　
那片山谷　入口處清楚刻著傷心人的墓　
那片濃霧　隔絕了其實可以忘了愛的醒悟　
別哭　　那片樂土是不是至少能讓眼淚都停住　
祝福什麼都不再記住　祝福下一次總會幸福　
祝福愛情的信徒　那善男信女都別再繼續受苦　

誰的衣服　還穿著只為遮掩蒼白的皮膚　
誰的腳步　有幾個真的可以遠離愛遠離糊塗　
別哭　誰的醒悟～啊～從此入土　
祝福什麼都不再記住　祝福很快會找到幸福　
祝福愛情的信徒　那善男信女別再辛苦

i am such a baby

something is wrong with me lately.
emotional. angry. demanding. selfish. fake.

angry. i think the key word is angry.

maybe it is just my old (and real?) self resurfacing.
before i met dearest, i was an angry person. very angry. and very pessimistic. very self-indulgent in my own feelings.

after i met dearest, i found happiness and along comes optimism.
i no longer self-indulge about my own feelings. i no longer feel sad. no longer think that this world is not worth to live in, or that the whole world owes me something.

now i dunno whether i have really changed for the better, or have i just been chucking those feelings away, suppressed them deep into some unknown part of my brain.

for the past week dearest and i have been arguing. from small things to huge things.
and i hate the familiar feeling of wanting to harm myself just to vent the anger.
when i was with my ex, we quarreled often – and as a form of release i’ll bring pain to myself. not in any serious way (no cuts, no drugs, not that sort) but still psychologically unhealthy nevertheless.
with dearest, i’ve not done it. and i hope it stays that way.

we are perfectly fine now. we are too much in love to stay mad for long. and, no hard feelings anymore i’m sure.
but i’m still weary. because i think the problem lies in me.

i dunno why. is it because i am not contented with life, or is it due to some strange hormonal change?
i mean, is it all due to my expectations, or is there actually a scientific/medical reason behind it?

there was once i was on the bus, stuck with like 30 to 40 cheena men. unruly and inconsiderate cheena men and i had to share a seat with one of them. and he actually sat slanted which leaves me with very little space. my blood was BOILING. throughout the journey, i was angry. very angry. what’s the point right? on good days i would have calmed myself down and let it go. but tat day i was evil.

it’s been like this for a couple of weeks. something is wrong with me.

——————————————————————

so anyway, on thursday night i psyched myself to change for the better. to be a cheerful person. to be forgiving. to live for the moment.

and i did have a great time yesterday with dearest and his friends hanging out in JB and eating ourselves silly.

bought a crocodile polo tee for daddy from JB and gave it to him this morning. he wasn’t very excited over it. never mind.

then i asked him whether he wants to go out for dinner tomorrow night as it was his birthday. the answer was no. i thought: “fair enough, he has never liked going out for good dinners”. so i asked whether he is going out with his girlfriend to celebrate, which, if he said yes, i knew i will be cool with it.

but his answer was: “yes we are going to clarke quay”
i asked: “oh, to walk walk?”
his reply: “to have nonya dinner”

my heart didn’t feel good at all. the first thought that came to my mind was: “is he having dinner with his other daughter(s)?”

sigh. why’s my life so complicated?

i tried not to think too much into it. until i started to catch up on Grey’s Anatomy again.

Season 3, Episode 10 – Don’t stand too close to me

- first there is george who is ANGRY. he is angry with the whole world. and it is so unlike him because he is usually the mr nice guy. i suspect he couldn’t figure out why he turned so cold and angry. i felt like i was him, or, he was me.

- then there is meredith whose mum with Alzheimer’s actually said that she shouldn’t have brought meredith to the world – right in front of meredith. imagine meredith’s hurt. meredith had a dad who walked out on them when she was very little. one day she saw him in the hospital, with his new family and her half-sister. in this episode, she was assigned to her half-sister’s case. the new family was sweet to meredith and wanted her to feel like she was part of the family. but she refused. she was envious (my interpretation) of the warmth in that family and was sad that she only had a mother who was sick, couldn’t remember her, and even said she shouldn’t have been borne. sad. very sad. a little like me… my strange relationship with my daddy, not knowing whether he has other children out there

you know what? i think. i think watching too much grey’s anatomy is bad for my emotions. i feel too much for each of the character. i analyse too much into their words and actions. i’m… simply… obsessed.

and this is so not good for me.

but heck. i’m going to continue watching anyway. right now.

and no worries, i am going to be fine. i will get by. i will be genuinely happy all over again. as long as i manage my expectations well. i can survive me. of cos i can.

what animal represents your spirit?

tell me, is this me?

sometimes you can’t deny that our parents are aging

the doctor suspects that my daddy may have signs of kidney failure.

nah, i didn’t hear it from the doctor myself. neither did the doctor say this to my daddy. however, my mum died from kidney failure so i know quite a bit about the relevant tests and all.

my daddy has been on medication for hypertension for many years. which is fine to us… i know hypertension can get very dangerous and all, but i also know my daddy takes his medication on time and is otherwise very fit.

and then during a routine urine test, the doctor said that his test didn’t come back very well and had to do a re-test. daddy didn’t ask much and went for the test again today. i read the test slip a few days ago and it didn’t state specifically what the test was for. well, maybe it did, but it wasn’t obvious to a non-doctor like me. and the test results today didn’t come back very well. so the doctor ordered another urine test for daddy. i wasn’t there with daddy and he couldn’t really understand what the doctor was saying so he didn’t know what the test was for.

when daddy show me the test slip this time, it was very clear – to check for creatinine. and this word i know. i know it so well. this is definitely a test of kidney function. and the doctor gave my daddy a new medicine. immediately i googled it – “lisinopril”.

at first i felt a huge sigh of relief because the primary use for this drug is to treat hypertension. so i yelled to my daddy, “dun worry, this is for your high blood!”. only to realize seconds later that it is also prescribed to renal patients.

sigh.

daddy says if he really gets kidney failure, he doesn’t want to go for dialysis. he wants to be like mummy. he said it matter-of-fact-ly. but hell, NO! we didn’t let mummy go for dialysis for several reasons.
1) we could not afford the thousands of dollars every month
2) both NKF & SGH wouldn’t give us financial assistance (citing that mummy is ‘disabled’ and unable to contribute to the society. WTF)
3) mummy was in a mild depression and could not handle the cheaper method of home dialysis

but for daddy it is different
1) i am working now and definitely can afford dialysis
2) as above, i won’t need financial assistance
3) daddy is otherwise healthy and should be able to take the stress of dialysis

but i sure hope it wouldn’t have to reach that stage.

and so, we decided not to wait 8 weeks for the next urine test. next week we are going for a full body checkup at a private clinic.

wish us luck…

[i always thought daddy was strong. and still young. he may look old to others but to me he always look youthful. i guess i have always been in denial. time to admit that time passes by quickly and daddy is indeed growing old...]

another weekend which passed by too quickly

Friday 10th July

dearest set off to JB with alfred & gang and then picked me after work.
so we went to east coast park lagoon for dinner & beer
then off we went to… Marina Barrage! we wanted to go kite-flying (with a lovely huge lizard kite, courtesy of buck my colleague) but there was absolutely no wind!
what a bummer…

Saturday 11th July

a movie marathon day for dearest & me! FOC! cos we watched dvds at home.

first it was “Departures” – an academy award winning japanese drama

it was a slow movie… but dearest & i weren’t the least bored. because the story is touching. jaslyn, if you feel like dropping some tears, watch this, can borrow from me. nice and touching…

then we watched “Goal III”. dearest & i first caught Goal in the cinema and i absolutely heart Kuno Becker, so we watched Goal II on dvd which wasn’t as good as Goal, yet we still insists to watch Goal III.

but well, Goal III sucks.
firstly, Kuno Becker is no longer as handsome. because now he has hair
secondly, Kuno Becker is no longer the main lead. though his has the most exposure in the poster
thirdly, one of the main character died. just like that.

sucks. bad movie. thank god we caught it on dvd and not in the theatre.

so after 2 movie marathon, we went out to dinner and dearest braved the rain to ta-bao durians back home.

back home, we watched another movie! “12 Rounds”!

hmm… actually this is the second time we are watching this show. the first time, we fell asleep like 5 minutes into the show. it’s not a bad movie really… your typical action movie, like speed. but i have to admit i fell asleep again, and during the most exciting part! so… you can deduce for yourself how nice the show is.

so yeah… 3 movies in 1 day! wahaha… really no life huh?
it wasn’t that bad, really. lazing around at home…

Sunday 12th July

First things first.

daddy: what did you 2 eat last night?
me: huh? durians. why?
daddy: wah… damn smelly! it’s so smelly it woke me up. didn’t you hear me waking up to get air freshener?
me: LOL

funny daddy…

so dearest and i met up with jackson for some sports. i was the one who was kpo to suggest cycling followed by swimming. worse still, just as we were turning into east coast park, i suggested to cycle to changi coast road, cos it seems like the in thing to do – every now and then on the way to work i will see many cyclist along the long long road.

and i had to suffer from my words.

so we started from macdonalds. once i got seated on the bike, i knew it will be a bad ride. the seat is damn hard! butt hurts!

i won’t go into details but the ride was really really torturous. i was a bad cyclist to begin with – as in, my sense of balance is bad. i could cycle straight, but i can’t make a good turn. if i ever need to u-turn, i will need to stop and turn the bike around myself, on my legs. and i was always tensed up cos i was afraid of falling.

so, imagine a tensed up body, resulting in aching hands and wrists, cycling like… what… 10km?
ok, i dunno how long the distance is, really… but from macdonalds to changi coast road (somewhere before the changi exhibition center… i couldn’t endure far enough to changi exhibition center), and then back again… it must be like….. DAMN far, isn’t it?

anyway, i gave up. on our way back to return the bike, i gave up just before the bedok jetty. dearest had to ride his own bike and hold mine at the same time, while i walked to the food centre to wait for him to come and pick me up in his car.

wahahaha…

am i a loser or what? dearest couldn’t stand me. he thought i was being a baby. ha…
oh and did i mention that i couldn’t balance myself at one point and ended up scratching the back of my knee a little.
jackson was worse… we left him alone for a period of time cos i absolutely had to rest and i guess he was too bored alone, so he did a mini stunt to entertain himself and lost his balance and jumped off the bike. heard he scratched his leg & hand.

i think jackson will never want to cycle when i’m around. ever. hahaha…

after cycling, dearest & i went to soak in the pool at nik’s place. it was… SHIOK…

and then we met up with alfred & nik and had dinner… and then they decided to catch crabs. and guess what? for the first time, i volunteered to go home instead of joining them. tired… too tired… and my butt hurts…

i hope the gang is having fun right now… and now that i have completed this week’s task (of blogging!), maybe i can watch grey’s anatomy now? just 1 episode before i go to bed… just to satisfy my ‘craving’? yes?

yes. season 3 here i come! yippee!!!

10,095

despite this space threatening to collect dust lately… there has been 10,095 readers to date!

woohoo!!!

and so i came home early from work today and caught my daddy feeding durians to jia jia and ben ben…

me: wah, eat durians leh! got anymore left?
daddy: dun have lar…
me: huh? nice or not?
daddy: of cos nice lar! you dun get to eat, confirm nice [laughs loudly]
me: cheh…

then daddy washed up after jia & ben and went back to his room with the girlfriend.

i returned to my room too, to change into home clothes

15 min later, there was a knock on my room door…

daddy went downstairs specially to buy durian for me!

heh… lucky me… [beams with delight]

somebody, pls save me

by throwing out my dvd player.

i’m living in a grey world. Meredith’s world. And it’s so darn unhealthy, emotionally.

Dearest baby, do u remember our first few months together? Hanging out at neighbouring void decks late at night, and having the worst panic attacks of our lives every other night, just because we felt so right for each other, yet felt so wrong to be together?

Do you remember how u described to me then – your panic attacks when you were just a little child? And how the attacks miraculously ‘infects’ me as well? Just like how twins know what each other is thinking of. That’s how connected we were.

And just for the record, my panic attacks are exclusive to you and you alone. Before I met you, I never knew wat a panic attack was, not even during stressful times like major exams. I’m not complaining though because I like being in your embrace when such episodes happened. Just dun let it get to me in my dreams, because then you will not be by my side to coax me back to sleep.

Oh right, why did I talk abt this? Because tonight meredith had a panic attack and mcdreamy was there to calm her down. Just like how u will hug me and soothe my uncontrollable sobs away.

Meredith’s attack was triggered when she had to ‘kill’ an elderly patient against her will, and to make it worse, watch her die over a few hours. Brings back painful memories of how daddy n I watch mummy take her last painful breath. And till this day i’m glad you were there.

The real reason for Meredith’s outburst? She was thinking abt her sick mum, worried that she’s going to die a lonely death. Meredith sobbed hard, and I dropped two huge tears, one in each eye.

Then there was the bomb, the childbirth, the brain surgery, the love, the unloved, the heart attack, and more. Too much… Too much to process, too much to think abt.

Damn, grey’s anatomy is poison. my kind of poison.

Watch out House, Grey might take over you! For now, my stubborn faithfulness stays… For now…

And no, dun throw out my dvd player pls… Cannot afford to have withdrawal symptoms.

milk toof

was blog surfing and saw this cutie!!

check out more of these @ Milk Toof

Desaru 5th to 6th July

i’m back!

desaru is a great place for… doing NOTHING! wahahaha…

it’s ok, i’m not complaining because i gathered as much before heading to desaru. i didn’t mention earlier but this trip is made with one sole objective – to sleep for a minimum of 10 hours, as advised by mr chua.

the reason why i chose desaru is because it’s probably the cheapest place. or so i thought. i was misled by the ultra cheap accomodation @ RM120 per night. but everything else is expensive!

just in case any of you guys wish to head to desaru to nua, try the website holidaycity.com. based on my research it has the cheapest accommodation at pulai desaru beach resort. RM120 (regardless of weekday or weekends) per night inclusive of free breakfast for 2 pax. i indicated that i wanted a king size bed, and we were given a huge room with king size bed + a single bed! cool! there’s a balcony too!

but the downside is, everything else is expensive. the return ferry tickets cost S$64 for 2 pax. and 2-way land transfer costs RM46 per pax.

it was a really do-nothing trip but dearest & i had no complaints as we had lots of time to relax. we basically just swim in the pool, play table-tennis, eat, watch TV (there’s channel 8 & U!) and SLEEP!

see the dark clouds? the whole sunday afternoon was rainy. luckily we weren’t into sea sports or it would have been very disappointing.

and here’s a cheery pic of dearest, soaking in the pool while the sun is still bright. cheeky face…

in the evening we paid a driver RM70 (expensive!) to bring us to sg rengit for seafood dinner. the dinner cost us RM179! but that’s because we ordered lobsters. hahaah… the restaurant was featured in channel U but we find that it is overrated.

back at the hotel, we watched tv in bed around 8 plus. by 9 dearest fell asleep, which pissed me off a little cos i was supposed to be the one sleeping for 10 hours, not him! i slept at 10pm eventually and woke at 8.30am. mission accomplished for me! but dearest surpassed me – he woke up later than me, and then continued to sleep again from 10.30am to 12 noon. sigh…

frankly, while there is really nothing to do there, i don’t mind going back to desaru again, especially if we could drive up ourselves. spending RM120 to sleep and swim… not bad… relaxing…

and, i can’t thank tracy enough! for being kind enough to drive us to and from the changi ferry terminal! thank you!

with this trip, let us look forward to better days ahead! HOORAY!

Penang Trip – 27th to 28th June

better late than never… here comes the entry on our long awaited Penang trip.
the trip to Penang was supposed to be (at least to me) a havoc durian tasting trip. but alas… it was not meant to be. nevertheless, the 4 of us had lots of fun – with food, driving on tiny roads full of bends, and visits to temples (and… my poor useless tummy full of shit – no kidding!)

let me start off with a complaint – the next time any of you takes air asia, don’t bother to check in online and print out your boarding passes. why? because when you are at the airport, you will still need to queue up to have your passports checked, which is, fair enough… except that the queue for online check in is longer than the one for counter check in! and the dumbest thing is, after you show them the boarding pass which you have printed out, they keep the boarding passes and issue you with new ones! DUH!

random pictures taken at the changi airport, all of us still sleepy…

with advice from alfred, we decided to rent a car for our 2 days trip, and i’ll say, it was good advice! we’ve had a lot of freedom driving around, stopping as and when we feel like it to grab food, and not to mention the thrill (for the 3 drivers, not me) of driving up and down winding hill roads, which can suddenly change from 2-way lanes to 1 single lane – at a bend! wooo… that was scary (for sheena, i believe)

and here’s our car – a dark purple proton persona, and one of the drivers… heh. the indian guy at the top left hand corner was the staff from hawk-rent-a-car who was pretty friendly and had a shock when dearest took his picture.

and of course… must show you guys the FOOD!

there was penang laksa (duh… by the way this is my fav of all!), char kway teow, lor mee/prawn mee (jackson! i am very sure you ordered prawn mee, not lor mee!!), curry mee, mctucky fried everything (chicken skin, sotong, fish, chicken meat, etc), apom, oyster egg, bak kut teh, fish bee hoon, fresh tropical fruits, durian (not so good), etc… YUMMY!

we went to the toy musuem which cost us RM20 each (for non-malaysians). i was quite excited about it… until i stepped in. the whole place was a maze of display shelves with hundreds of small little toy figurines locked behind glass panels. if you ask me, it’s not worth the money. but then again, i’m not one who loves toys, so i’m not the best person to comment

and… i’m not writing this in sequence, but the first place we went after collecting the car was the snake temple. despite being given directions by the indian car rental guy, we weren’t that confident of finding the place until jackson pointed out “there! ular! ular means snake”. LOL. so we found the place.

contrary to what was shown on tv, the snake temple isn’t that huge, and doesn’t house that many snakes. but it was still quite cool because it seems like dearest is not as scared of snakes as i thought he was.

so it was a quick tour for us, some photo-taking and off we go to head to the sunway hotel.

we also visited the tropical fruit farm where i had my mini disaster of diarrhea immediately after eating the ‘fresh’ tropical fruits. so much so that i had to miss half of the guided tour. the saving grace was that the toilet has a long water hose so that i can clean myself up after every… erm… ‘burst’ (?). haha…

the uncle who was bringing us around for the guided tour was chinese, but spoke in english with an accent. on and off, the guys try to talk to him in mandarin or hokkien but he always replied in english. makes me wonder why. he wasn’t the sort to make jokes but was friendly enough to answer our questions. he was quite pissed off at another indian group who didn’t want to join in the tour though. ha…

we also went to the air hitam dam. just for fun because we were running out of places to go to

it’s like this huge reservoir with a small dam in the center. we walked all the way inside to go to the man-made waterfall, only to find that the area is off-limits

another temple visit – the reclining buddha. it was not easy finding this place. we had to stop and ask for directions a few times.

when we finally found the place and stepped in, dearest held my hand and said “do you feel it? it’s so peaceful here i have goosebumps all over me”. at that moment, i felt… touched… and held his hands tighter. he’s my love.

and another temple:

there’s a really sweet story here, but i won’t share it for now. heh…

and beaches of course!

and here’s the various busy scenes of gurney drive, the famous tourist place with all the delicious food, esp the penang laksa!

and last but not least… the place with the good bak kut teh… except that we didn’t like the taste very much…

ok ok ok… i know this entry is not exactly that exciting. but that’s because it is almost 2 am right now and i have a ferry to catch early in the morning. yes! dearest is bringing me to desaru!

got to sleep…