to work…

the moment i stepped into the main office, i felt cold.
the next moment i went into my office (which had ALL air-vents closed upon my requests), my head felt heavy.
once i sat down, i quickly put on the thick cotton jacket.
moments after the laptop starts up, i started sneezing non-stop.

actually, i experienced exactly the same thing yesterday. and felt shitty enough to wish to go home early for a nap. but i didn’t. and i felt better right after work! LOL

am i allergic to work or what??

i think it’s just me.

finally, the weekend is here. soon enough.

daytime this week has been not-so-good. received sickening news at work. i’m going to have a new boss. the big boys up there decided to give the finance organization structure a revamp and move the teams around as they wish – like monopoly pieces.

i’m pissed about the developments. and i’m even more pissed about the lack of devlepments. this time round, i am not going to sit around and mope without doing anything. i’ve already highlighted my concerns to one level and if nothing comes out of it, i am going to escalate to the next level.

the best thing out of this is that i spoke to dearest about how i felt about the whole issue and he is supportive. if things do not improve, i might just throw in the towel. i can’t always hang around and be bullied just cos the big boys think i need this job very badly right?

anyway, i know i am being ultra cryptic here and you won’t understand much of it. originally i wanted to relate the whole thing at length and then lock it up but i’m just to lazy to do that. anyway, you are probably not interested in what i have to say about my work anyway. heh.

nightime, on the other hand, was not-so-bad! on wednesday, dearest picked me up from work and we went pak-tor-ing! it’s been some time since we’ve done that. dearest was dressed very smartly that night as he went for an interview earlier and maybe he felt very executive, so we went to marina and esplanade and mingle with the working class. ha.

dinner was at the glutton bay – steamboat in individual claypot style, cooked over charcoal, plus a mini bbq! it was rather special but the slow cooking time disappointed us a little (cos we were sooo hungry!). food is alright, not exactly fantastic but not bad enough to complain about.

then we strolled under the cool breeze, hand-in-hand… it feels great! to be able to spend time with someone you love in the middle of a lousy work week. and then we did something which we’ve never done before in our 7 years together! we went to 爱琴海!

i’ve been to the music cafe before with my ex-classmates but not with dearest. and dearest had always wanted to go. most of the times when we go to marina square together, we will walk pass, think about going in but never did. this time we finally did! yeah! it was pretty enjoyable… i think we might just go back there again.

i was so pleased by the mid-week dating that i slept like really really soundly that night… and… overslept the next morning! wahahaha…

work sucks. but i’m happy when dearest is around.

meeting the old pals later! should be full of gossips and complaints later… yeah! =)

the past week sucks big time.

so last tuesday i felt the cold coming and took off early from work to see the doc. unfortunately my fav doc is not on duty and i consulted the other doc instead. he said he’d give me some antibiotics to be sure. once i reached home, my fever shot up to 38.3 degrees. i tot if i took my medicine dutifully and slept the whole day, i will be good to go to work the next day. instead, i was restless the whole night, waking every 1.5 hours and feeling feverish. finally i woke up the next day at 5am with fever as high as 39.4.

i called in sick again and went to the clinic to extend my MC. felt better in the afternoon but again when night time came, i turned all feverish again. the terrible fever cycle repeated itself and i woke up on thursday morning with 38.6 degrees. this time, i went to see the doc again, with a massive sore throat. and the doc had to switch my antibiotics and gave me more medicine.

i really dislike this doc. 3 years ago, he made me suffer exactly the same thing. started by giving me some useless antibiotics which gave me high fever on and off for 3 days, before switching to another range of antibiotics which then cleared my fever almost instantaneously! argh…

so i was on MC from tues to fri. wat a pain.

and the antibiotics made me feel all sick, without the fever. the lack of appetite, that horrible after taste in the mouth, the horrid smell through the nose, the unsettling stomach, the bloatedness, the vomit, the ulcers in the mouth, on the lips, the red and raw sore throat that hurts big time at night, the cough of yucky sticky yellow phlegm, etc etc. it was HORRIBLE!

i’m finally down to my last tablet of antibiotic now. hope all the yucky side effects (including HUGE zits everywhere over my face and tiny little rashes all over my body!) will go away tomorrow.

but in the midst of being sick, i’ve had a lot of concern from those who care, and i am very very grateful. you know who you are, thank you… all of you… =)

and i have to say, although the first few days were utmost difficult without dearest by my side, he definitely made it up once he is back. dearest has been most patient with the sickly me, including having bland meals with me and even tolerating my nonsense especially the few hours after i take the antibiotic. and for that i’m really really thankful. love you baby!

got the chills, runny nose, body ache and heavy head. going to leave office at lunchtime to see doc and sleep the rest of the day away.

i should have known better than to sleep with the air con on. the price that i pay for wanting to be prettier (piling on body lotion which gets sticky in a humid room. it feels less sticky with the air con on).

baby, i see that you have uploaded some pictures already (but hor, the hkg album has got liverpool pics leh!). hope you are having fun!! (though i wish you were here to fuss over me now. heh)

you found bonjour! did you buy sebastian? alfred wants leh… remember hor…

home home home…

something is wrong with me lately.
emotional. angry. demanding. selfish. fake.

angry. i think the key word is angry.

maybe it is just my old (and real?) self resurfacing.
before i met dearest, i was an angry person. very angry. and very pessimistic. very self-indulgent in my own feelings.

after i met dearest, i found happiness and along comes optimism.
i no longer self-indulge about my own feelings. i no longer feel sad. no longer think that this world is not worth to live in, or that the whole world owes me something.

now i dunno whether i have really changed for the better, or have i just been chucking those feelings away, suppressed them deep into some unknown part of my brain.

for the past week dearest and i have been arguing. from small things to huge things.
and i hate the familiar feeling of wanting to harm myself just to vent the anger.
when i was with my ex, we quarreled often – and as a form of release i’ll bring pain to myself. not in any serious way (no cuts, no drugs, not that sort) but still psychologically unhealthy nevertheless.
with dearest, i’ve not done it. and i hope it stays that way.

we are perfectly fine now. we are too much in love to stay mad for long. and, no hard feelings anymore i’m sure.
but i’m still weary. because i think the problem lies in me.

i dunno why. is it because i am not contented with life, or is it due to some strange hormonal change?
i mean, is it all due to my expectations, or is there actually a scientific/medical reason behind it?

there was once i was on the bus, stuck with like 30 to 40 cheena men. unruly and inconsiderate cheena men and i had to share a seat with one of them. and he actually sat slanted which leaves me with very little space. my blood was BOILING. throughout the journey, i was angry. very angry. what’s the point right? on good days i would have calmed myself down and let it go. but tat day i was evil.

it’s been like this for a couple of weeks. something is wrong with me.

——————————————————————

so anyway, on thursday night i psyched myself to change for the better. to be a cheerful person. to be forgiving. to live for the moment.

and i did have a great time yesterday with dearest and his friends hanging out in JB and eating ourselves silly.

bought a crocodile polo tee for daddy from JB and gave it to him this morning. he wasn’t very excited over it. never mind.

then i asked him whether he wants to go out for dinner tomorrow night as it was his birthday. the answer was no. i thought: “fair enough, he has never liked going out for good dinners”. so i asked whether he is going out with his girlfriend to celebrate, which, if he said yes, i knew i will be cool with it.

but his answer was: “yes we are going to clarke quay”
i asked: “oh, to walk walk?”
his reply: “to have nonya dinner”

my heart didn’t feel good at all. the first thought that came to my mind was: “is he having dinner with his other daughter(s)?”

sigh. why’s my life so complicated?

i tried not to think too much into it. until i started to catch up on Grey’s Anatomy again.

Season 3, Episode 10 – Don’t stand too close to me

- first there is george who is ANGRY. he is angry with the whole world. and it is so unlike him because he is usually the mr nice guy. i suspect he couldn’t figure out why he turned so cold and angry. i felt like i was him, or, he was me.

- then there is meredith whose mum with Alzheimer’s actually said that she shouldn’t have brought meredith to the world – right in front of meredith. imagine meredith’s hurt. meredith had a dad who walked out on them when she was very little. one day she saw him in the hospital, with his new family and her half-sister. in this episode, she was assigned to her half-sister’s case. the new family was sweet to meredith and wanted her to feel like she was part of the family. but she refused. she was envious (my interpretation) of the warmth in that family and was sad that she only had a mother who was sick, couldn’t remember her, and even said she shouldn’t have been borne. sad. very sad. a little like me… my strange relationship with my daddy, not knowing whether he has other children out there

you know what? i think. i think watching too much grey’s anatomy is bad for my emotions. i feel too much for each of the character. i analyse too much into their words and actions. i’m… simply… obsessed.

and this is so not good for me.

but heck. i’m going to continue watching anyway. right now.

and no worries, i am going to be fine. i will get by. i will be genuinely happy all over again. as long as i manage my expectations well. i can survive me. of cos i can.

the doctor suspects that my daddy may have signs of kidney failure.

nah, i didn’t hear it from the doctor myself. neither did the doctor say this to my daddy. however, my mum died from kidney failure so i know quite a bit about the relevant tests and all.

my daddy has been on medication for hypertension for many years. which is fine to us… i know hypertension can get very dangerous and all, but i also know my daddy takes his medication on time and is otherwise very fit.

and then during a routine urine test, the doctor said that his test didn’t come back very well and had to do a re-test. daddy didn’t ask much and went for the test again today. i read the test slip a few days ago and it didn’t state specifically what the test was for. well, maybe it did, but it wasn’t obvious to a non-doctor like me. and the test results today didn’t come back very well. so the doctor ordered another urine test for daddy. i wasn’t there with daddy and he couldn’t really understand what the doctor was saying so he didn’t know what the test was for.

when daddy show me the test slip this time, it was very clear – to check for creatinine. and this word i know. i know it so well. this is definitely a test of kidney function. and the doctor gave my daddy a new medicine. immediately i googled it – “lisinopril”.

at first i felt a huge sigh of relief because the primary use for this drug is to treat hypertension. so i yelled to my daddy, “dun worry, this is for your high blood!”. only to realize seconds later that it is also prescribed to renal patients.

sigh.

daddy says if he really gets kidney failure, he doesn’t want to go for dialysis. he wants to be like mummy. he said it matter-of-fact-ly. but hell, NO! we didn’t let mummy go for dialysis for several reasons.
1) we could not afford the thousands of dollars every month
2) both NKF & SGH wouldn’t give us financial assistance (citing that mummy is ‘disabled’ and unable to contribute to the society. WTF)
3) mummy was in a mild depression and could not handle the cheaper method of home dialysis

but for daddy it is different
1) i am working now and definitely can afford dialysis
2) as above, i won’t need financial assistance
3) daddy is otherwise healthy and should be able to take the stress of dialysis

but i sure hope it wouldn’t have to reach that stage.

and so, we decided not to wait 8 weeks for the next urine test. next week we are going for a full body checkup at a private clinic.

wish us luck…

[i always thought daddy was strong. and still young. he may look old to others but to me he always look youthful. i guess i have always been in denial. time to admit that time passes by quickly and daddy is indeed growing old...]

dearest and i went to see mr chua last saturday. it was a very ‘informative’ session. originally i had wanted to blog all of it down so that i will recall the readings months later. however, i wasn’t sure whether it was ‘prudent’ to reveal the readings in public space, so i didn’t.

but i guess bits and pieces should be alright, right?

mr chua said dearest and i can only do business if we do it together. cos he complements me in some areas, and i complement him in other areas. if we do business without the other, the business will not succeed. one reason is: i can never make up my mind about things.

and it’s so accurate.

just last week i decided that i will be hunting for condo B.

so i started calling many agents and met up with a few. yesterday night i had 3 units to choose from. although the price is a little high, i was comfortable to pay the $10k to $20k extra. this thing was on my mind the whole night and i was feeling a mixture of excitement and confusion.

when i woke up today, i got more confused and less excited.

after much self-deliberation today, i changed my mind.

my main concern, and cause of confusion, is my daddy. suddenly, i felt i was not filial to want to move out of the house, away from my daddy, when i am not married. there are other factors as well but i was more worried about disappointing my dad.

so, i have decided to slow down the pace of searching for a property, and only buy something which i really like and can afford comfortably. also, i should also re-evaluate my criteria for an apartment. who knows, i may end up not buying any, and settle for a resale HDB if dearest and i got married eventually.

and… that’s my decision… for now. i guess.

let’s see how long i can stick to this decision for. wahahaha…

to dear sheena, i’m sorry for wasting your time yesterday night! and maybe no study room and kitchen for you le…

Baby.. Your daddy loves you.. so do i.. Call me k?

so i called dearest and he consoled me… in the midst of his busy morning.

and tears welled up in my eyes.

i like to believe my daddy loves me.

but just in case he doesn’t, i won’t fall – as long as you love me.

love you.

sheena & jackson called dearest after work to see if we are free for dinner.
dearest couldn’t make it as he was rushing for a deadline.
so they came all e way down to tanah merah to pick me up for dinner!
we went to tampines for the yummy curry fish head. a
nd sheena knows i’ve been spoilt by dearest all these years, so she asked jackson to pick e fish meat for me! and then they even sent me home after dinner.
and best of all, dinner was free!

where to find such great pals??!
thank you thank you thank you!!!

————————————————

reached home and had a quick chat with daddy.
and he started telling me about stuffs which happened to his girlfriend’s daughter at work.
i tell you, the feeling sucks.
sucks beyond any description.
i always consoled myself that daddy loves me the most.
maybe i have been deceiving myself all these years?

————————————————

an unexpected announcement was made in office today
something which meant that people may lose their jobs
basically, HQ has decided to consolidate the current many regions in only 3 regions
asia pacific is to merge with middle east
what this means is that 2 regional offices will now become 1
i won’t state the obvious but one can imagine the number of redundancies that will come by soon
will i be affected? i’m not sure.
frankly, i’m not VERY worried that i will lose my job
but i’m pretty sure that i will have additional duties
well well… this is going to be one interesting year…

i feel crappy.
cos ‘it’ is finally here – way overdue… but finally
not the emo or tearful kind of mood
not pain (yet) as well
but just…. crappy

tomorrow will be worse i’m sure. *brace myself for it*

well, at least it’s here. better than otherwise.

on a positive note, whitey e71 will be here tomorrow!
hopefully it will inject some excitement
and also more updates here too!

time to visit dreamland…