sometimes you can’t deny that our parents are aging

the doctor suspects that my daddy may have signs of kidney failure.

nah, i didn’t hear it from the doctor myself. neither did the doctor say this to my daddy. however, my mum died from kidney failure so i know quite a bit about the relevant tests and all.

my daddy has been on medication for hypertension for many years. which is fine to us… i know hypertension can get very dangerous and all, but i also know my daddy takes his medication on time and is otherwise very fit.

and then during a routine urine test, the doctor said that his test didn’t come back very well and had to do a re-test. daddy didn’t ask much and went for the test again today. i read the test slip a few days ago and it didn’t state specifically what the test was for. well, maybe it did, but it wasn’t obvious to a non-doctor like me. and the test results today didn’t come back very well. so the doctor ordered another urine test for daddy. i wasn’t there with daddy and he couldn’t really understand what the doctor was saying so he didn’t know what the test was for.

when daddy show me the test slip this time, it was very clear – to check for creatinine. and this word i know. i know it so well. this is definitely a test of kidney function. and the doctor gave my daddy a new medicine. immediately i googled it – “lisinopril”.

at first i felt a huge sigh of relief because the primary use for this drug is to treat hypertension. so i yelled to my daddy, “dun worry, this is for your high blood!”. only to realize seconds later that it is also prescribed to renal patients.

sigh.

daddy says if he really gets kidney failure, he doesn’t want to go for dialysis. he wants to be like mummy. he said it matter-of-fact-ly. but hell, NO! we didn’t let mummy go for dialysis for several reasons.
1) we could not afford the thousands of dollars every month
2) both NKF & SGH wouldn’t give us financial assistance (citing that mummy is ‘disabled’ and unable to contribute to the society. WTF)
3) mummy was in a mild depression and could not handle the cheaper method of home dialysis

but for daddy it is different
1) i am working now and definitely can afford dialysis
2) as above, i won’t need financial assistance
3) daddy is otherwise healthy and should be able to take the stress of dialysis

but i sure hope it wouldn’t have to reach that stage.

and so, we decided not to wait 8 weeks for the next urine test. next week we are going for a full body checkup at a private clinic.

wish us luck…

[i always thought daddy was strong. and still young. he may look old to others but to me he always look youthful. i guess i have always been in denial. time to admit that time passes by quickly and daddy is indeed growing old...]

another weekend which passed by too quickly

Friday 10th July

dearest set off to JB with alfred & gang and then picked me after work.
so we went to east coast park lagoon for dinner & beer
then off we went to… Marina Barrage! we wanted to go kite-flying (with a lovely huge lizard kite, courtesy of buck my colleague) but there was absolutely no wind!
what a bummer…

Saturday 11th July

a movie marathon day for dearest & me! FOC! cos we watched dvds at home.

first it was “Departures” – an academy award winning japanese drama

it was a slow movie… but dearest & i weren’t the least bored. because the story is touching. jaslyn, if you feel like dropping some tears, watch this, can borrow from me. nice and touching…

then we watched “Goal III”. dearest & i first caught Goal in the cinema and i absolutely heart Kuno Becker, so we watched Goal II on dvd which wasn’t as good as Goal, yet we still insists to watch Goal III.

but well, Goal III sucks.
firstly, Kuno Becker is no longer as handsome. because now he has hair
secondly, Kuno Becker is no longer the main lead. though his has the most exposure in the poster
thirdly, one of the main character died. just like that.

sucks. bad movie. thank god we caught it on dvd and not in the theatre.

so after 2 movie marathon, we went out to dinner and dearest braved the rain to ta-bao durians back home.

back home, we watched another movie! “12 Rounds”!

hmm… actually this is the second time we are watching this show. the first time, we fell asleep like 5 minutes into the show. it’s not a bad movie really… your typical action movie, like speed. but i have to admit i fell asleep again, and during the most exciting part! so… you can deduce for yourself how nice the show is.

so yeah… 3 movies in 1 day! wahaha… really no life huh?
it wasn’t that bad, really. lazing around at home…

Sunday 12th July

First things first.

daddy: what did you 2 eat last night?
me: huh? durians. why?
daddy: wah… damn smelly! it’s so smelly it woke me up. didn’t you hear me waking up to get air freshener?
me: LOL

funny daddy…

so dearest and i met up with jackson for some sports. i was the one who was kpo to suggest cycling followed by swimming. worse still, just as we were turning into east coast park, i suggested to cycle to changi coast road, cos it seems like the in thing to do – every now and then on the way to work i will see many cyclist along the long long road.

and i had to suffer from my words.

so we started from macdonalds. once i got seated on the bike, i knew it will be a bad ride. the seat is damn hard! butt hurts!

i won’t go into details but the ride was really really torturous. i was a bad cyclist to begin with – as in, my sense of balance is bad. i could cycle straight, but i can’t make a good turn. if i ever need to u-turn, i will need to stop and turn the bike around myself, on my legs. and i was always tensed up cos i was afraid of falling.

so, imagine a tensed up body, resulting in aching hands and wrists, cycling like… what… 10km?
ok, i dunno how long the distance is, really… but from macdonalds to changi coast road (somewhere before the changi exhibition center… i couldn’t endure far enough to changi exhibition center), and then back again… it must be like….. DAMN far, isn’t it?

anyway, i gave up. on our way back to return the bike, i gave up just before the bedok jetty. dearest had to ride his own bike and hold mine at the same time, while i walked to the food centre to wait for him to come and pick me up in his car.

wahahaha…

am i a loser or what? dearest couldn’t stand me. he thought i was being a baby. ha…
oh and did i mention that i couldn’t balance myself at one point and ended up scratching the back of my knee a little.
jackson was worse… we left him alone for a period of time cos i absolutely had to rest and i guess he was too bored alone, so he did a mini stunt to entertain himself and lost his balance and jumped off the bike. heard he scratched his leg & hand.

i think jackson will never want to cycle when i’m around. ever. hahaha…

after cycling, dearest & i went to soak in the pool at nik’s place. it was… SHIOK…

and then we met up with alfred & nik and had dinner… and then they decided to catch crabs. and guess what? for the first time, i volunteered to go home instead of joining them. tired… too tired… and my butt hurts…

i hope the gang is having fun right now… and now that i have completed this week’s task (of blogging!), maybe i can watch grey’s anatomy now? just 1 episode before i go to bed… just to satisfy my ‘craving’? yes?

yes. season 3 here i come! yippee!!!

and so i came home early from work today and caught my daddy feeding durians to jia jia and ben ben…

me: wah, eat durians leh! got anymore left?
daddy: dun have lar…
me: huh? nice or not?
daddy: of cos nice lar! you dun get to eat, confirm nice [laughs loudly]
me: cheh…

then daddy washed up after jia & ben and went back to his room with the girlfriend.

i returned to my room too, to change into home clothes

15 min later, there was a knock on my room door…

daddy went downstairs specially to buy durian for me!

heh… lucky me… [beams with delight]

happy birthday

dear mummy,

it would have been your 62nd birthday today.

Happy Birthday! & Happy Mother’s Day too!

wherever you are, i hope you are happy and free of pain…

love, yong.

if no one else loves me, will you?

Baby.. Your daddy loves you.. so do i.. Call me k?

so i called dearest and he consoled me… in the midst of his busy morning.

and tears welled up in my eyes.

i like to believe my daddy loves me.

but just in case he doesn’t, i won’t fall – as long as you love me.

love you.

sheena & jackson called dearest after work to see if we are free for dinner.
dearest couldn’t make it as he was rushing for a deadline.
so they came all e way down to tanah merah to pick me up for dinner!
we went to tampines for the yummy curry fish head. a
nd sheena knows i’ve been spoilt by dearest all these years, so she asked jackson to pick e fish meat for me! and then they even sent me home after dinner.
and best of all, dinner was free!

where to find such great pals??!
thank you thank you thank you!!!

————————————————

reached home and had a quick chat with daddy.
and he started telling me about stuffs which happened to his girlfriend’s daughter at work.
i tell you, the feeling sucks.
sucks beyond any description.
i always consoled myself that daddy loves me the most.
maybe i have been deceiving myself all these years?

————————————————

an unexpected announcement was made in office today
something which meant that people may lose their jobs
basically, HQ has decided to consolidate the current many regions in only 3 regions
asia pacific is to merge with middle east
what this means is that 2 regional offices will now become 1
i won’t state the obvious but one can imagine the number of redundancies that will come by soon
will i be affected? i’m not sure.
frankly, i’m not VERY worried that i will lose my job
but i’m pretty sure that i will have additional duties
well well… this is going to be one interesting year…

my daddy is re-marrying

a couple of days ago, my daddy informed me that he is re-marrying – via sms:

我要再结婚了，因为某些原因。
我知道这也太突然了，但我也不想的。

my heart almost stopped. and felt damn hurt.

记得出席我的婚礼。告诉我你能不能出席，因为我要预定桌子。

日期： 29.02.2009
时间：7.30pm
地点： Renaissance Hotel

wah lau!!!!
i replied him: 神经病啊！ 吓死我！ 哈哈

damn… i hate such pranks!

diamonds & watches

2 nights ago, i had a dream.

i dreamt that my mum & i went to shop for diamonds – for my engagement ring.

in the real world, i admit i’ve been researching on diamonds. but that was a few weeks ago, not these few days. i’ve decided and also shared with some friends, dearest included, that a 0.34 – 0.4+ carat diamond will be enough to make me a happy gal. some friends, on the other hand thinks at least 0.8 to 1 is the minimum.

so back to my dream – i was choosing from a pile of loose diamonds… and declared to my mum i like this 0.4 carat one. and my mum shot me a lethal look with disdain. she said: “it must be at least 0.5!”

so… sorry dearest… guess you’ll have to increase your savings… LOL.

but i’m sure you are most willing to do that right? because you love me so much.

to prove that dearest loves me a lot, he gave me a surprise last night! he bought me a watch as a belated v day present!

so lovely! dearest remembers that i liked the watch which he bought for his sister last year, and he bought something similar (actually on the strap is the same but i really love the strap!) to make me happy!

where to find such a thoughtful and wondrous boyfriend??

happy + sad

happiness

daddy bought fresh crabs for me over the weekend. didn’t have time to steam them. on sunday, i asked daddy to steam them for me on monday (and even peel off the gills) so that i can have them at night. on monday however, i was really uncomfortable with cramps and backache from day 1 of menses, so i didn’t feel well enough to eat them.

so i wrote a note to daddy: “爸，对不起，我肚子痛所以把蟹放在冰箱，明天才吃，容”

last night when i reached home late, i saw this note stuck on the fridge: “宝贝，螃蟹不要吃了，我怕你泄肚子”

isn’t daddy sweet? he actually called me 宝贝! haha…

but the poor crabs, threw them away. i’m never going to ask daddy to buy crabs again…

 

sadness

went to buy mooncakes for dearest’s mummy. dearest brought them back and his mum said: “thanks but we have a lot in the house already, she can bring them back”.

when dearest told me what she said over the phone, big fat tears just rolled down my cheeks.

i was surprised at my reaction. i guess the subconcious mind is really mysterious. frankly i’ve never expected dearest’s mummy to accept my gifts readily but dearest and i felt that it’s been a long time and we should start trying in small baby steps. so there were no expectations from me (or so i thought) and to be fair, her response was probably as mild as it can be already. surprisingly my subconcious was probably hoping very hard that she will accept the mooncakes graciously. otherwise, why would “big fat tears” “roll down my cheeks”?

and i tried to act nonchalant while talking to dearest. but dearest could read me really well and was really nice to say encouraging words.

dearest, yes, we will work hard together and not let this discourage us. and most importantly, we know that our love will conquer everything in time to come.

i love you lots, dearest

and children will always be children

this morning daddy asked me whether i am going out tonight.
i said no and he asked whether i would like to eat steamed fish.
of course i said yes (and requested for steamed flower crab in future! haha greedy me)

daddy said the fish is the one which i tasted in HK and liked very much.
wow, it’s been more than a year, and he remembered!

come evening time, daddy confirmed again whether i’m having the fish.
and he prepared it for me. only then did i realise that he is steaming it for me alone (i thought we were sharing)
it’s a huge one! how to finish?

and daddy doesn’t stop there.
he washed a set of cutlery for me.
when the fish is done, i told daddy, ok, leave it there for a while (to let the pot cool down a little)daddy said he will bring it to my room.
and he did.
wow… personal service.

daddy’s 爱心蒸鱼！it’s huge! daddy says it costs $12.

i almost finished it. woo… very full…

and so i say, children will always be children. i could have steamed the fish myself (hmm… and maybe not.. haha) and i could have washed the cutlery myself and i could bring the hot plate to my room myself. but no… daddy dotes on me and did all for me.

thank you daddy!

sick of being sick

i caught the cold bug. AGAIN.

dearest was sick over the weekend. but i don’t think i caught it from him.
it was freezing in the office today. must be the blasting aircon + rainy weather.

i’m on leave. but sick. so should i take MC or leave? damn.
what a waste of my leave.
well… at least i’m taking a break from work.

planning to go pay respects to mummy tomorrow.
i dreamt about her a few days ago.
in the dream, she opened the safe to look for money.
i asked her how much she need and she said 7k, to lend my aunt to buy a massage chair (?!)
then she asked, where is my money? there shd be 40k in the safe!

i think we have neglected mummy. she needs some cash to spend in her world.
better go transfer some money to her tmr.
40k ok mummy?

ok, i seriously declare that clarinase does NOTHING for me.
leaves me no choice but to try another overdose with BECAME instead.

cold cold go away… *sniff* *blow* *haah choooo*

money no enough 2

i’m back from the movie!

it wasn’t as funny as Ah Long or Just Follow Law. but i think it’s good.
it’s not just about brainless or vulgar jokes but also a lot on kinship – among brothers, between husband and wife, between parents and child, and most importantly about mothers.

and yup, you guessed it. lots of tears from me.

the first touching moment came (for me anyway) when the wife sacrificed something really huge for the husband. and there the music goes, one of my favorite hokkien songs 家后 by 江蕙. watch the original mtv here:

and the ‘younger’ version by jam hsiao (just to prove that this is a hokkien classic which is loved by young & hip singers too):

lyrics (in hokkien):

有一日咱若老　找無人甲咱友孝
我會陪你　坐惦椅寮
聽你講少年的時陣　你有外摮
吃好吃醜無計較　怨天怨地嘛袂曉
你的手　我會甲你牽條條
因為我是你的家後

阮將青春嫁置恁兜　阮對少年跟你跟甲老
人情世事已經看透透　有啥人比你卡重要
阮的一生獻乎恁兜　才知幸福是吵吵鬧鬧
等待返去的時陣若到　我會讓你先走
因為我會嘸甘　放你為我目屎流

有一日咱若老　有媳婦子兒友孝
你若無聊　拿咱的相片
看卡早結婚的時陣　你外緣投
穿好穿醜無計較　怪東怪西嘛袂曉
你的心我會永遠記條條　因為我是你的家後

阮將青春嫁置恁兜　阮對少年就跟你跟甲老
人情世事嘛已經看透透　有啥人比你卡重要
阮的一生獻乎恁兜　才知幸福是吵吵鬧鬧
等待返去的時陣若到　你著讓我先走
因為我會嘸甘　看你為我目屎流

i think dearest could sense the emo-ness from me. he reached for my hand and held it.
i know i’ll sacrifice many things for my dearest. but i am not sure whether i have the courage to do the same as in the movie. not that i don’t love dearest as much, just that it seemed like a silly thing to do. the girl married the husband without her family’s blessings. i’m probably heading towards that direction too. and no matter what happens, i pray and wish that i am dearest’s 家后.

and what triggered my tears (which caused dearest’s shirt to be very damp!) were the scenes on the frailing mother and how the sons struggle to take care of her… and more. it’s a movie which teaches people many things about kinship – if people bother to ponder about the intended message.

it’s anybody’s guess that i was thinking about my mum – no prizes for that. and i won’t repeat and repeat myself again – these feelings are meant for my self-indulgence.

but really, i not only thought about my mum. but also about dearest’s mum… and his dad. and my dad. and my grandma. and my koh parents. about myself when i grow old. many many thoughts. different thoughts.

are dearest and i doing the right thing? can we have a happy ending? for everyone, including his and my parents?

i wish.
and only time will tell.
how much more time do i have?

and. mum, miss you…
今生不能孝顺您、服侍您，愿来生再作母女，永远敬爱您！

movie tonight

the crazy week is finally coming to an end. real soon.

we made plans to watch Money No Enough 2 tonight at the cathay.

i booked couple seats for both couples! haha… strange right, watch lame comedy in couple seats.
well, at least i can rest my tired self against dearest. i need a lot of love to soothe my tired mind and body!

heard from dearest that the reviews for this movie is bad. well, what’s new? seems like most of Jack Neo’s comedy movies get bad reviews. like Ah Long Pte Ltd? 1 star out of 5 star? but dearest and i enjoyed the movie. ya, it’s lame. but it gets us laughing. it’s so close to our hearts. i always joke with dearest and say we enjoy such shows because we are as lame. because we are the typical ah lians and ah bengs. but i think the real reason is because we grew up in such similar environment – with parents who speak vulgar language and gamble and hang around at coffee shops. most youngsters will scorn such movies. but well, we are who we are! not going to escape and act atas…

to tell the truth, i may have watched ALL of Jack Neo’s movies. in the theaters. yup. and if that is not enough, i buy some of his ORIGINAL VCDs too! Jack Neo’s movies remind me of my mum. we bought the VCDs because mum loves to watch. she’s not able to go to the theater otherwise i will bring her. now that she is gone, i will still support his movies! mum laughs like a silly girl and sometimes ends up with funny tears when watching his movies! if anything, they bring some joy and laughter to our family.

i’m not sure whether this movie will disappoint us. but i am so looking forward to a good laugh to unwind myself!

oh, sidetrack – it’s the hungry ghost festival!
looking forward to getai-hunting with friends. this year we have a few more kakis!
time to find out where the getais are! check this out!

exhilirating moment (but otherwise ultra boring)

it’s a boring boring boring sunday.

dearest came by to bring me fulfil another craving of mine – bak chor mee.

and then he left for the day. it’s an exciting day for him – going to the turf club.

me? poor me stayed at home to finish some work. boring!

the only exciting part came during evening time, when dearest’s daddy’s horse is scheduled to race.

the horse is not the hot favorite. 99% of the predictions goes to another horse. even my daddy insists this horse won’t win.
so the race starts. oh no… i can’t see the horse anywhere! it’s hidden among the other horses! how to make a breakthrough like that?
suddenly from no where, it appeared. in second place behind the hot favorite.
in a split second, it sped up. and overtook the hot favorite!
wow! it won!

exhilirating.

my daddy has nothing to say. hahaha…

and yeah, for the 2nd time, i see dearest on tv.

so now they are… celebrating their big win.

daddy asks me why am i not there to join in the fun? all i can say was “i don’t like it”.
sigh… how do i tell daddy that the truth is they won’t welcome me?

oh, never mind… must look on the bright side. i won some money!

otherwise, it is an ultra boring sunday… lalalalala…

live today like there is no tomorrow

cliche… but yup… live today like there is no tomorrow.

i’ve always felt strongly for this saying. but obviously, one gets caught up in silly daily matters and tend to forget about it. and very often, it takes an undesired happening to remind one of the saying again.

life is fragile. we all know that. but do we remember enough to make full use of the time we have left in this world? no.

i have always been one who ponders a lot about things. all sorts of things. and ever since my mum moved to a better place, the thoughts concentrate on life & death, and how everyone should feel thankful for the things they have, rather than feel resentful for the things they do not have.

obviously, i am not good at expressing myself, either verbally or in written words. and it is not often that other people have the luxury of time (and interests, for that matter) to discuss such matters on life and death, love and giving, etc with me. thus, these deep thoughts and feelings have always been hidden within me.

right now, i will not attempt to preach to the world to convince all how precious life is, how delicate it is, and how important it is to let everyone whom you care for, know that you love them. no. i won’t. because i won’t succeed anyway.

 

but i will share this true incident.

a colleague passed away due to a road accident this sunday. he was travelling from jb to work, turning out from a petrol station on his bike, when a drunk driver lost control of his car from the opposite lane. the car overturned and rammed into my colleague. he died almost instantenously. he was 29 years old.

today, the management team made a trip to jb to attend the funeral. he left behind 2 old parents, 2 young brothers, and a young wife. it was his and his wife’s 1 year wedding anniversary on sunday. they were trying to have a baby.

see how things can change overnight? how one can lose a loved one just like that? did he say goodbye to his wife when he left home for work? did his wife give him a goodbye kiss? did he say “i love you” to his wife? when was the last time he had dinner with his parents? when was the last time he joked around with his brothers?

 

life is unpredictable. cherish life. cherish your loved ones. never fail to tell them that you love them for you do not know whether you will have another chance again, ever.

to my frens, family and dearest: in case i do not say it often enough, i love all of you because you are part of my life, and make me who i am today.

again, live today like there is no tomorrow.

happy birthday mummy

8 May

today is mummy’s birthday.

if mummy was still by my side, today will probably be just like any other day, except that i will say a simple “生日快乐” and maybe give her an ang pow and a quick hug. maybe i will be home earlier and have dinner together with mummy.

but today was indeed like any other day. i woke up, went to office, did some work, knock off, met dearest, had dinner with dearest, did some work… and went home to an empty house. again.

 

亲爱的妈咪，

今天是你的生日。

如果你还在我们身边，你就六十一岁了。

如果你还在我们身边，你会笑着说你要吃很多你最爱的食物。

如果你还在我们身边，你会说你想穿得漂亮一点。

如果你还在我们身边，我们一家人都会开心。

但如今你已不在我们的身边。

其实我们的生活也一直继续，但对你的美好记忆永远深深的刻在我们的脑海里﹑对你的思念也永存在心里。

有好多好多话想对你说，却不知从何开始。

只能说声：“生日快乐，亲爱的妈咪！我爱你。。。”

of the men in my life

i’m back from bangkok! was a great trip! but will share in another post when pictures are ready…

 

this post is dedicated to my daddy.. heh…

 

1 year ago, we went to bright hill to pray to my mum during the qing ming period. we didn’t know how to pray at bright hill as the set-up was very different from san qing gong, so we merely went there to take a look at my mum’s ashes and talk to her. daddy saw many people bringing lots of vegetarian food to pray to their loved ones. and he said, next year we shall pray lots of goodies to mum.

 

fast forward to today: i was still in my sweet dreams this morning when daddy knocked on my door loudly. it was time to pray to my mum again. i woke up and the first thing daddy said to me was: “let’s just go san qing gong and not bright hill this year.” ok, fine… then i asked him, wat food are we buying? daddy said: “no need lar, just buy incense can le”. oh my… at least buy some chicken rice or something… who was the one who said we should pray with better goodies this year?

anyway, we bought chicken rice. and i had to convince daddy to buy more incense. later on when i chatted with daddy, i reminded him about his promise last year. apparently he got confused between qing ming and the death anniversary. oh well…

 

sorry mummy… you know how absent minded daddy is. at least we sent you lots of gold bars and cash, ya? loving you, as always…

 

and my absent-minded daddy lost his handphone 3 weeks ago. that was like his 3 loss in 3 years? so anyway today i made a trip down to starhub centre to buy a new phone for him. daddy has a special request – he wants either a N82 or N95. i dislike nokia phones, so i really dunno much about them. i asked the sales person about the prices and functionalities of the two phones and called my dad to ask him which one he wants.

N82 costs $268. N95 costs $488. according to the salesperson, N82 has only 2gb storage BUT is newer and faster. N95 has 8gb storage but is older and the OS is slower. i repeated all these to my dad and let him choose.

K: which model do you want?

D: any thing lor.

K: N82 is newer and faster leh.

D: you choose lor. you willing to spend so much money or not?

K: money is not an issue. but N82 is cheaper, newer and faster, why not get this?

D: let’s buy N95.

argh! daddy… if you already made your mind on N95, just say so lor. hahaha… so i bought the phone and my daddy was so happy.

 

so yeah, that’s daddy, one of the 2 important men in my life.

 

another important men in my life (in no order of importance!) – my dearest.

dearest said he will be busy today. so i thought i wouldn’t be seeing him. but he went to starhub centre to fetch me! so sweet right? and he brought along a driver and security! hahaha… joking only… his friends were with him, and dearest asked one of them to drive his car.

dearest and i chatted about friends and stuff tonight over kfc. just a simple like-any-other-day dinner but i enjoyed it very much, cos i felt i learnt more about what dearest think and how he feels. it always warm my heart when we talk more than usual about everything – friends, work, us, etc.

it’s a great start to the week!

more than 4 years ago

i have a blog in friendster which is never updated, so there is nothing worth importing over to petit|hippo, except for this. because she is important to me and the memories should live forever.

so here goes, word for word: 

Originally posted on 4th Jan 2007 

Finally, I decided to update my photos in friendster.

And I chanced upon the long forgotten (and rare!) photos of my parents.

The weirdest feelings rushed through me. I can’t put them in words; my heart just keeps beating faster. I looked through the few photos, all taken more than 4 years ago. And I smiled… The heart beats faster and faster. I clicked on the close button at the top-right corner of the screen. I’m afraid that if I keep looking, the panic attacks might come back again.

Decided to post up this photo of my parents.

That’s my mum who was ever cheerful and loud. That’s my mum who spent her days at a coffeeshop with her many kakis gossipping away. That’s my mum who loved me but never told me.

8 years ago, illness struck mum and changed her. She lost all her cheerfulness and freedom. For half a year, her home was the hospital. And later on, when she came back to our home sweet home, she was confined to the wheelchair/bed/sofa. Her mode of transportation during the occasional times when she left the house was an ambulance and the destination was always the hospital. When her mum, my grandmother passed away, she could only mourn for her at home, crying her heart out. When her husband, my dad needed an emergency surgery, she could only worry at home. Sometimes she threw tantrums. Sometimes she cried. Sometimes she nagged. Yet many times, she laughed, just like a 7 year old little girl.

2 years ago, dad and I sent mum to a hospice. NO! We were not cruel. We loved her very much. Her condition worsened and every couple of days, she had to be sent to the A&E for difficulty in breathing. After much deliberation, all 3 of us chose “conservative management”. We had no choice.

On 8th Oct 2004, mum left us for good. After 6 long years of suffering, she was on her way to a better life in another world. Mum never left any last words. I never told her how much I loved her.

Mum, if you still remember me now, I want you to know that I do miss you badly. If there is a next life, let me have the chance to be your child again. I want to have the chance to do my part as your child and be filial to you again. For all that you have missed out on in this lifetime, I want to give it all to you in your next life.

Mum, time passes and life goes on. But 24 years of memories of you will always be kept deep in my heart. I never told you, but I Love You. I always did and I always will.