say bye to 2008

in the year of 2008… i have…

• attended various concerts – 周杰伦， 五月天， 张信哲，刘德华
• traveled to various destinations – bangkok, genting, batam
• spent dearest’s birthday at Mortons
• bought my first laptop & first lcd tv
• started a blog (and proudly influenced J&J to do the same)
• hit my first 40kg
• passed my cpa exam
• received surprise flowers from dearest for our 6th year anniversary
• cut my hair short
• tried cooking
• picked up badminton
• learnt how to swim (a little lar)
• restart driving lessons after 2 years
• saw dearest play soccer for the first time
• picked up mahjong

and for 2009… i’ll love to…

• have a god-daughter
• obtain my driving license
• travel to taiwan, genting and possibly australia
• be a non-practising CPA
• attend more concerts
• grow back my hair (both in terms of quantity and length)
• become fairer
• attend singing lessons
• tone up my fatty thighs
• catch up with more long-lost friends
• buy my own apartment

and, lastly but most importantly…

• be proposed to by dearest!!!! (how thick-skinned can i get)

HELLO 2009! may it be a year of love and peace (so cliche hor…?)

living a dream or dreaming a life?

was browsing through newspaper today and saw this article about dreams. in the article, a reference was made to a well-known chinese philosopher 庄子:

昔者庄周梦为胡蝶，栩栩然胡蝶也。自喻适志与！不知周也。俄然觉，则蘧蘧然周也。
不知周之梦为胡蝶与？胡蝶之梦为周与？？周与胡蝶则必有分矣。此之谓物化。

what this block of chim words mean:

庄周梦见自己变成一只蝴蝶，飘飘然，十分轻松惬意。这时全然忘记了自己是庄周。一会儿醒来，对自己还是庄周十分惊奇疑惑。认真想一想，不知是庄周做梦变成蝴蝶呢，还是蝴蝶做梦变成庄周？

in pictorial form:

庄周梦蝶

interesting, isn’t it?
“was i a man dreaming that i am a butterfly, or was i a butterfly dreaming that i am a man”

have you ever had a dream, and felt it was so real that even after you wake up from the dream, you thought that it really happened?
have you ever seen/heard/felt something and start to get confused as to whether you have experienced it before (like deja vu) or did you dream of it before?

on the other hand, have you ever had a dream, knowing that you are dreaming, and sometimes even willing yourself not to wake up?

i’m someone with lots of dreams. lots of different dreams. some recurring ones, some happy ones, some scary ones, some sad ones. all sorts of them. but of them all, there are 2 kinds of dreams which i love. one is dreaming of my mum – alive and independent, happy and loving. another is dreaming of dearest’s mum – accepting me. do these dreams mean anything?

conversely, there are several kinds of dreams which scare/sadden me. one is dreaming of my mum – dependent and suffering, and worse still, like the dream which i had 3 months ago. the other is of dearest’s mum – not accepting us and scolding us.
yeah, opposites of the dreams which i love.

and there is this other type of dream which is oh-so-devastating… dreaming of my dearest either not loving me anymore, or cheating on me.

just last week i dreamt that i found this huge lovebite on dearest’s neck. turned out that he went to some commercial sex place (in the dream of cos). more details, but i won’t elaborate. even in the dream it felt so hurting. and for the rest of the day (awake), i teased dearest about the lovebite! haha…

so are these real or are they dreams?
am i living the dream, or am i dreaming my life? hmm…

if what i have currently is all a dream, i don’t want to wake up. because i have the love of my life, my daddy and my dear friends by my side, and that is all i need.

love you all.

unconditional love

we often hear people saying that a mother’s love is unconditional. likewise, true love should be unconditional. do you agree?

wiktionary defines “unconditional” as “absolute, and without conditions, limitations, reservations or qualifications”

in simple words, one may say that unconditional love happens when one loves the other regardless of anything – happiness or sadness, strengths or weaknesses, health or illness. in unconditional love, one does not demand anything in return from the other. in unconditional love, one gives wholeheartedly without any reservations. in unconditional love, nothing is impossible.

me? i don’t believe in unconditional love. not for the average human being anyway.

i love my dearest.
i will love him no matter happiness or sadness, strengths or weaknesses, health or illness.
but my love for him is not unconditional.

because i love him, i do expect him to love me back. that, is NOT unconditional.
because i love him, i do expect him to remain faithful. that, is NOT unconditional.
because i love him, i do expect him to change in some areas which i disagree with. that, is NOT unconditional.

and because i understand that my love is not unconditional, i also understand that his love for me is not unconditional. with this in mind, i reciprocate by loving him, remaining faithful, and changing my behavior in areas which he does not like. this, is what i call love.

part of love is understanding each other and knowing what each other needs, and then trying one’s best to fulfill those needs. part of love is about giving and taking. not just giving. not just taking. if one party only takes, and the other party always give, the relationship is extremely unbalanced and it wouldn’t work out in the end.

agree?

there is no unconditional love. there is only love. simple as that.

i love dearest and dearest loves me too. as such, we consider what each of us needs, and modify our actions accordingly. that, is the key to a strong, everlasting love.

and no, dearest and i are not facing any issues. it’s just that of late, i have several friends around me, real-life ones and online acquaintances, who are facing issues, some minor, some major. and i want to remind everyone that there is no unconditional love (in my view anyway).

you take some, you give some. you can’t always give and you can’t expect the other half to always give either. quarrels are inevitable but once you kiss and make up, you must think about what each can do to prevent similar quarrels from happening again. you may forget it the next time and a similar quarrel happens but repeat the process of reflecting on the issue and acting upon it, and there will be improvements, and quarrels will lessen. that, will make the relationship stronger, and the road of love longer.

think about it.

the surrendered wife

as mentioned in one of my earlier posts, i bought sheena this book:

The Surrendered Wife – A Practical Guide For Finding Intimacy, Peace & Passion With A Man
by Laura Doyle

in this day and age, where countless women scream for gender equality, i’m pretty sure the title of this book brings a lot of scorns from many ladies.

not from me though, because i am never a feminist. i believe that there are many things that women can do as well as men. in fact, in some areas, women outshine men. but i strongly feel that both men and women have certain roles to play in life and many of these roles are different. in this sense, men and women will never be equal. frankly speakly, i will never want to be an equal with my husband! why? because i prefer to be a 小女人 and be taken care of by my husband.

does being a 小女人 means that one loses her own self, her identity? not necessarily so. and this book teaches all ladies out there, regardless whether you and your man are dating or married, to control your partner less because controlling men is often the cause of the start of resentment. and when little resentment builds up over time, the relationship cracks and breaks.

i think us girls are often guilty of controlling our men. now and then we say to them: “why did you do this? you should have done it that way!” or “i told you so! you didn’t believe me.” or “that was a lousy decision!”. it’s fine if we do it once or twice. it’s fine if we do it with a joking tone. but if we go overboard with such comments, men can react very negatively. put it this way, if the men did that to us frequently, we will be feeling resentful as well.

so what should we do? just keep quiet and allow the men to do whatever they want, even if the things they are doing is wrong? just be a plain bimbo?

nah, this book teaches us ladies to control the men less, criticise the men less and talk to them in a nice tone. you can still put your point across to them, but in a less hurtful or harmful way. at the end of the day, there will be less quarrels, and men will be more appreciative of the women who have been supporting them in their actions and decisions.

it’s a win-win situation, don’t you think?

again, this is not a book that degrades women to be slaves or mindless souls. this book simply captures the fact that most men have certain egos, and if we continue to crush their ego, the relationship will never work out. this book reminds us that once we ’surrender’ some of the control to men, the relationship will move to the next stage.

phyllis introduced this book to me like more than 5 years ago? frankly speaking, i never finished reading the book. but that is simply due to plain laziness on my part. even so, whatever i have read left a very deep impression on me. i don’t deny that i have not been conciously practising what the book teaches but when the going gets tough, i do remind myself that i should take a step back and be more ’surrendered’. when i got closer with sheena, i felt she needed the book. not that she has any issues in her relationship but knowing how much she loves jackson, i’m pretty sure that the good stuff in this book will enlighten her and bring their relationship even further. so far, i think it is working. yeah!

due to the horrible sounding title, i think this book is only for ladies who really love their other half. i doubt if a girl who has any resentment for her boyfriend/husband will connect with the book at all.

i love my man. so i think i should go pick up this book for myself soon!
(hahaha… actually it is just an excuse to shop and spend money again!)

and oh yes, after so much hard-sell, all of you girls must go get the book ok!
and men, pls… you are prohibited from reading this. give us girls a chance to do our part to improve the relationship. don’t spoil it for us by reading it yourself!

the surrendered wife can be found in major bookstores. i have seen copies in popular, borders and kinokuniya. a preview of the book can be found here. tell me what you think after reading!

i had a (bad) dream

it was a long dream. and as dreams are usually, there’s a series of disconnected events happening. this particular happening woke me up.

around 300 metres away from a flight of stairs, i turned around to see someone trying to help my wheelchair bound mummy down the stairs. in a split second, whoever it was tipped the wheelchair over too much, and i saw my mum being flung out of the wheelchair and tumbling down the stairs helplessly. when she reached the floor landing, she was rolling around uncontrollably in pain. i find myself running towards her and screaming “mummy”.

and as how my running dreams usually are, the legs felt like stone and each step was painfully slow.

suddenly, i realised that i was dreaming (while still in my dream), and much as i usually enjoyed dreams of my mummy, i forced myself to wake up from this bad dream.

and i was successful.
woke up with a pounding heart and couldn’t get back to sleep after that.
mummy has suffered enough. she shouldn’t be suffering in my dreams.

我想妳，妳在哪里？

did you take love for granted?

i was browsing through my old emails and chanced upon many meaningful and interesting articles and stories. no doubt some of you may have already read some before but if they are worth sharing, i’m going to repeat them here again.

this simple story is to remind all of us that we sometimes take our loved ones for granted.

sometimes they may not do the exact actions or say the exact words that we hope for. but as long as they love us in their own ways, we should be thankful and love them all the same.

My husband was an engineer. Since I met him, he was always an unflappable rock in my life. I knew he always had his feet firmly planted on the ground, and it seemed that no matter what else went crazy, he would be the one constant.

 

Three years of romance, and two years of marriage later, I got tired. He was the most unromantic man I know. He never bought me flowers, he never surprised me, and nothing changed in our marriage.

 

After some time, I finally found the courage to tell him that I wanted to leave him. He just sat there, speechless. My heart froze… what kind of man was I married to that didn’t even know what to say to make me stay? 

 

After a while, he spoke, “What can I do to change your mind?”

 

“I will stay if you can give me a good answer to this question,” I replied coldly.

 

“If I asked for a flower that grew on a cliff and you knew that getting it for me means certain death, would you get it for me?”

 

His face grew troubled. “Can I give you an answer tomorrow morning?” he asked.

 

Hearing that kind of answer, my heart died. I knew that I could never be happy with a man who couldn’t even give me an answer straight away.

 

The next morning, when I woke up, he was missing. In the living room, under a warm glass of milk, was a note.

 

My eyes grew misty as I read it…

 

“Dear, I have my answer. I will never pick the flower for you if it meant certain death.  But before you leave, I hope you can give me a chance to give you my reasons….

 

You will always sit in front of the computer and type about for the whole day, but every time you will end up in tears because your formatting will always go all over the place… I need my fingers, to do the formatting for you, so your tears will become smiles.

 

You like to travel, but would always get lost… I need my eyes, so that I can bring you to the nicest places on earth.

 

Every time you leave the house, you would always forget your keys… I need my legs, so that I can run home to open the door for you.

 

You never knew how to take care of yourself… I need my hands to help you get rid of the pesky white hair you hate so much when you grow old, to trim your nails, to feed you.

 

So you see, that’s why I can’t pick the flower for you.

 

Until I find someone who loves you more than I do, I will need my body to take care of you.

 

If you accept my reasons, then open the door, where I will be waiting with your favorite muffin.”

 

With tears streaming from my eyes, I opened the door, and there he stood, with an extremely worried look on his face. He still had nothing to say, but just stood there waving the packet he had in his hand in front of me.

 

And then I knew for a fact that I will never find another man who will ever love me as much as he does. Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all they have…

The Chicken & The Duck

 

A newly married couple went for a walk together in the woods, one fine summer’s evening after dinner. They were having such a wonderful time being together until they heard a sound in the distance: ‘Quack! Quack!’

 

‘Listen’, said the wife, ‘That must be a chicken.’

‘No, no. That was a duck,’ said husband.

‘No, I’m sure that was a chicken,’ she said.

‘Impossible. Chickens go “Cock-a-doodle-doo”, ducks go “Quack! Quack!” That’s a duck, darling,’ he said, with the first signs of irritation.

‘Quack! Quack!’ it went again.

‘See! it’s a duck,’ he said.

‘No dear. That’s a chicken. I’m positive,’ she asserted, digging in her heels.

‘Listen wife! That…is…a…duck. D-U-C-K, duck! Got it?’ he said angrily.

‘But it’s a chicken,’ she protested.

‘It’s a blooming duck, you you…’

And it went ‘Quack! Quack!’ again before he said something he oughtn’t.

The wife was almost in tears. ‘But it’s a chicken.’

 

The husband saw the tears welling up in his wife’s eyes and, at last, remembered why he had married her. His face softened and he said gently, ‘Sorry, darling. I think you must be right. That is a chicken.’

 

‘Thank you, darling,’ she said and she squeezed his hand.

 

‘Quack! Quack!’ came the sound through the woods, as they continued their walk together in love.

 

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The point of the story that the husband finally awakened to was, who cares whether it is a chicken or a duck? What was much more important was their harmony together; that they could enjoy their walk on such a fine summer’s evening. How many marriages are broken up over unimportant matters?

 

When we understand this story, we will remember our priorities. The marriage is more important than being right about whether it is a chicken or a duck.

 

Anyway, how much times have we been absolutely, certainly and positively convinced we were right, only to find out we were wrong later? Who knows? That could have been a genetically modified chicken made to sound like a duck!
[for the sake of gender equality, the story can be switched around as to who says it is a duck and who says it is a chicken]

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Story extracted from the book “Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung? – Inspiring Stories for Welcoming Life’s Difficulties”, by a monk named Ajahn Brahm.

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Although the story focuses on knowing one’s priorities in a relationship, I personally love the story and think it illustrates “give and take” very well.When the going gets tough, stop and think about what made you begin the relationship in the first place. Remind yourself that you love your other half. And you may just slow down the temper and stop all silly quarrels. If both parties can remember this story, then there will be much lesser minor quarrels and lesser damage to the relationship!